Beautiful Lies
by purplepagoda
Summary: When Nick sees Olivia's boyfriend with another woman he finds himself confronting his partner. Will their confrontation lead to her learning the truth, or will she reveal a secret of her own?
1. The Other Woman

She answers the door, and finds her partner standing on the other side. It's evening, and she looks at him questioningly, as he stands before her.

"What are you doing here?" she wonders.

"Can I come in?"

She nods, and steps aside. He steps in, closes the door.

"What's going on?"

"Olivia, I am sorry for the way I reacted to finding out about you, and Cassidy."

"You don't need to apologizes," she argues.

"Yeah, I do. I acted like a jerk, and I am sorry."

"I sense a but."

"But I am not really sure what you see in him."

"You don't have to be. I am with him, not you."

"You are my partner, and I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"That is understandable."

"I don't really care for the guy."

"I know that," Olivia admits.

"He just rubs me the wrong way."

"Did you really come here to talk about this?"

"Sort of," he admits.

"Sort of? What do you mean?"

"He doesn't seem like he's very straightforward."

"What is your point?"

"Olivia, there is something that you need to know about him."

"Nick, I know everything about him."

"Are you sure?"

"Why?"

"Because I am not entirely sure that you do."

"Give me an example."

"I don't know that I can."

"Then why did you come here?"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"Did you see him with another woman?"

"Not exactly."

"Did you hear a rumor about him?"

"No," Nick shakes his head.

"Then what?"

"Olivia I don't know how to tell you this."

"Tell me what?"

"Last night I took my son to the movies."

"Ok, and?"

"When I was going in, Brian was coming out."

"It's a free country, he can go to the movies if he wants."

"Just hear me out," he insists.

"Ok."

"He wasn't alone."

"I thought that you just said..."

He cuts her off, "I stopped, and talked to him for a while."

"The two of you had a conversation? What could the two of you possibly have to talk about?"

"Well other than the obvious?"

"Other than me, what do the two of you have to talk about?"

"That's pretty much it."

"I am confused. What is it that you think that I don't know?"

"He was with a kid."

"Are you accusing him of something?" she raises her eyebrow.

"No. He introduced me."

"And?"

"It's his kid. He has a daughter."

"What's your point?"

"You don't seem surprised," he realizes.

She shakes her head, "I'm not."

"She's like thirteen," he points out.

"She's twelve, and Nick, I know. It isn't a secret. I know that he has a daughter."

"Why didn't you ever bring it up?"

"Because it was none of your business, and I didn't want to have this conversation with you."

"He didn't mention it, before."

"You spoke to him for all of three seconds. I don't know why it's relevant."

"I just assumed that you didn't know."

"You thought that I didn't know he had a kid?"

"I thought that he maybe he hadn't told you. The two of you haven't been together for that long."

"There is no conspiracy. I know about his daughter. It isn't a secret. It has never been a secret."

"Why didn't you mention it?"

"I am not having this conversation with you."

"Fine."

"Nick, now is really not a good time," she admits.

"Why, is prince charming on his way over?"

"Why do you dislike him, so much?"

"Because he seems dishonest to me."

"That isn't really your call."

"Plus, he has a kid."

"And, so that means that I can't date him?" she questions.

"It just means that he has baggage."

"Everyone has baggage. I have baggage, too."

"I just don't think that he is right with you. What do you see in him?"

"Nick, you should go," she insists looking at her watch.

"Why, do you have a hot date?"

"Maybe," she shrugs.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're trying to get rid of me?"

"Because I am."

"What are you hiding?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Liv..."

She shakes her head, "Nick, it's time for you to go."


	2. Second Chances

"What's going on with you? Why are you acting like you're hiding something?"

"You should go," she repeats.

Before she can convince him to leave, someone else is knocking at the door. A knot forms in the pit of her stomach. She slowly moves towards the door. She opens the door. Nick stands there, looking at Brian. Olivia excuses herself, and steps into the hallway. She closes the door behind her. Nick strains to hear their conversation from the other side of the door.

"Now is not a good time," Olivia tells him.

"What is he doing here?"

"He is just trying to be a good partner."

"How?"

"He wanted to warn me that you have a kid. He didn't think that I knew."

Brian rolls his eyes. "Call me later."

"Ok," she agrees.

He heads back down the hallway, towards the elevator. She returns to the apartment. Nick stands there, looking at her.

"You want to tell me what's going on?"

"My personal life is none of your business," she warns.

"Really?! Olivia your personal life brought details of my past that nobody knew. How is it ok for you to know all the details of my personal life, and me to none of yours?" he raises his voice.

"Lower your voice," she warns.

"I get one step closer to getting to know you, to getting to understand you, and then you put up a wall. I am your partner, how am I supposed to have your back, when I don't even know where you're coming from? I don't even know if I can trust you."

"Of course you can trust me."

"Can I? You're hiding something."

"Nick, please," she begs. "Can we talk about this later, when you are a little more calm?"

"Fine," he rolls his eyes, and storms out of the apartment. He slams the door. She locks it, behind him.

* * *

She sinks onto the couch, and flips on the TV, in disbelief. She knows that he's right. And she knows if he knew he would understand why she can't tell him. She flips through commercials.

* * *

Things between them are tense the following morning. They have a suspect in interrogation. Cragen waits for them to start. Olivia looks at Cragen.

"Can you get him started?" she asks her boss.

He throws her a questioning look.

"My partner, and I have something we need to discuss, before we can go in there, as a united front, and get him to talk."

"Of course," Don nods, in understanding. He heads into the interrogation room. Olivia makes sure the speaker is off. She looks to her partner, whose nostrils flare.

"Nick there is something that you have to understand."

"What is that?"

"I am not trying to shut you out."

"Really, because that isn't the way that it seems."

"I am not asking you to understand."

"What are you asking me?"

"You can trust me. I have your back."

"But there are some days that I don't even feel like I know you."

"I know."

"We have been partners for a while now, right?"

"Yeah," she nods.

"So why don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you. I trust you with my life."

"Then why can't you tell me what's going on with you lately?"

"Because I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't tell you that."

"You told your old partner everything, didn't you? The two of you were close. You knew everything there was to know, about each other. Olivia, I am not him. I am not going anywhere."

"I didn't tell him everything either," she reveals.

"You told him, when something was bothering you."

"We were good partners, but that doesn't mean that we told each other everything. And, we certainly didn't get along all of the time. We didn't always see eye to eye."

"There is just one question that I have."

"And what's that?"

"But I don't want to offend you. It isn't my intention to offend you."

"Just ask it."

"I just want you to know that the only reason I am asking, is because..."

She cuts him off, "Just spit it out?"

"There is something that you said, that really bothered me."

"What's that?"

"You said that he deserved a second chance."

"Everyone does."

"But as far as I can tell, he didn't do anything to earn it. He didn't suddenly become some other, better person."

"You're right, he didn't. He wasn't some one else, all of the sudden."

"So what did he do to deserve a second chance from you?"

"Sometimes people earn second chances, sometimes you give them second chances, because you fear you may have rushed to judge them."

"So you rushed to judgment the first time?"

"I misjudged him."

"I don't buy it."

"Sometimes you just have to do things, because you feel obligated to, and for no other reason," she admits.

"Ok."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Ok, so can we interrogate this guy, now?"

"Yeah," she agrees.

They enter the room, and Don leaves it. He doesn't ask them what was said. He knows what goes on between partners is sacred, and doesn't always need to be discussed. He doesn't question if they're ok. He just lets them do their jobs. It results in one of the best interrogations that he's seen in a while. Their suspect confesses in less than an hour.


	3. What Kind Of Life Is That

Her phone rings, before she can even make it in to her apartment, that night. She pulls it to her ear, not checking the caller I.D.

"Yeah?" she answers, recognizing the ring tone, "I just got in the door. That's fine," she hangs up.

She takes a seat on the couch, knowing her moment of peace, and quiet will be short lived. Ten minutes later she hears a key in the door. She looks up, as the door opens. The figure walks into the apartment, and locks the door. The dark haired girl sits her book bag down, near the kitchen. She makes her way over to the couch. Olivia smiles at her.

"Did you have a good day at school?"

"Yeah, it was fine," she admits.

"Your dad picked you up on time?"

"Yes," she confirms.

"Then why do I detect an attitude? Did the two of you have a fight?"

"No."

"Sit down," Olivia instructs.

The dark haired girl takes a seat on the arm of the couch. She looks at Olivia. Olivia looks at the twelve year old. She has long, dark hair that is secured in a french braid. She wears a navy colored hoodie, and a pair of blue jeans. Underneath she wears a pair of hot pink Converse high tops. She avoids eye contact.

"What's on your mind?"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter," she insists.

"When you say nothing it is usually something."

"I don't want to talk about it. I am..." she gets up, to leave the room.

Olivia cuts her off, "Amira sit down."

She sits, and waits for her to continue, she still doesn't make eye contact.

"Amira, look at me," Olivia insists.

Amira makes eye contact. "I said I don't want to talk about it."

"Too bad."

"Why is everything always a secret?" Amira questions.

"What are you talking about?"

"I am talking about me. Why am I a secret."

"Amira, calm down."

The twelve year old's cheeks burn with anger. "No. I don't want to calm down. I'm angry."

"At what?"

"Not what, who."

"Who are you angry at?"

"I am angry at you."

"What did I do?"

"You act as if I don't even exist."

"You have got to be kidding me. How is that even possible?"

"You spend ninety percent of your waking hours at work."

"I am not having the conversation with you. I am not going to justify my choices to a twelve year old."

"Sometimes I hate you."

"Amira!"

"Why are you with my dad?"

Olivia furrows her brow. "I don't understand the question," she admits.

"Are you with him, because you love him, or because you think that it's what's best for me?"

"Are you seriously asking me that, right now?"

"I want to know."

"Amira, where is all of this coming from?"

"My whole life is a secret. I am sick of it."

"You are way out of line, here."

"Me? I am the one out of line?"

"You are too young to be questioning my decisions."

"Why is that always the come back? Maybe I am not too young," she argues.

"And, maybe you are," Olivia counters.

"I hate talking to you. You never listen. All you ever do is talk. You answer, without even hearing what I have to say."

Olivia takes a deep breath, trying to decrease her frustration. She looks at Amira. "I am listening. What is it that you want to say?"

"I hate my life," she begins.

"Excuse me?"

"And it is all your fault," Amira adds.

"Amira, you have a pretty nice life."

"How do you figure?"

"You have a roof over your head, and food on the table. You have every material thing that you have ever asked for."

"Why can't you see it?"

"See what?"

"How is spending all of my time, shuffling between my mother, and my father a good life? Maybe I don't want to shuffle back and fourth anymore. Maybe I just want to stay in one place."

"Have you talked to your dad about this?""Yes."

"What did he say?"

"The same thing that he always says."

"Amira what is it that you want here?"

"I want to stay with dad, all the time. I want to move in with him."

"I don't think that is going to happen."

"Why not?"

"Because you would be at home, alone, every single night. He isn't going to let you do that."

"I am old enough to stay by myself," she argues.

"You're twelve. You can't stay at home, alone, every night. I am sorry."

"You are always sorry, but nothing ever changes.

"Amira what do you want me to say?"

"I don't want you to say anything. Why can't you just listen to me?"

"Amira, you have my full undivided attention. What am I missing? What is it that you want me to hear?"

"I don't want to be around you, anymore. I don't want you to be with my dad. I want a different life."

Olivia sighs, in frustration, "Amira, come on."


	4. Tough Questions

"Mom!" she shrieks as her frustration overflows. Tears start to roll down her cheeks.

"What, Amira?"

"Why am I a secret?"

Olivia stares at the twelve year old, with dark hair, and dark eyes. For an instant she sees her twelve year old self staring back at her. The thought sends chills up her spine. She swallows hard, trying to fight off the tears.

"I'm sorry," she admits.

"I don't want you to be sorry, I just want you to answer me."

"Amira, it's not that simple."

"I heard your partner talking, the other night."

"And?"

"You should have told him. Why can't you just tell the truth?"

"Amira..."

She cuts Olivia off, "No. I don't want to hear excuses," she vacates her seat on the arm of the couch. She leaves the room, and stomps down the hallway. She goes into her room, and slams the door behind her. Olivia sinks further into her seat, as the door slams. She waits a few seconds, to allow her anger, and her frustration to dissipate. She pries herself off the couch, and goes down the hallway to Amira's room. She pushes the door open, and finds Amira on her bed, with her head on her pillow. She takes a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Amira I know that you are angry at me, but you cannot slam the door. We have had the conversation about the door, before. Your door is a privilege, not a right."

Amira doesn't respond.

"You don't have to cry. I know that you're angry."

"So do something to fix it."

"What can I do?"

"Tell the truth."

"Amira, you know it's not that simple."

"Why not? You're with him now, so what does it matter?"

"Amira when you are older maybe you will understand," Olivia tries to reason with her.

"I am never going to understand how you can keep your kid a secret from the world."

"I was trying to protect you."

"From what?"

"Things that you aren't ready to understand."

"You missed my basketball game, by the way," she adds insult to injury.

"I didn't get off until after five."

"I know. Dad was there, he always is."

"I know he is your hero."

"He's not my hero. He is just around, when I need him. You never are."

"Amira that is a terrible thing to say."

"That is the truth. You are never around."

Olivia shakes her head, in frustration. It takes every fiber of her being not to strangle her daughter. She gets up, off the bed. She turns, and heads for the door.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this. If you would like to continue this conversation, when you are in a less hateful mood let me know."

"I'll send you a telepathic message."

"Are you hungry?"

"No I already ate."

* * *

A few hours later Olivia sits in her room, on her bed. She has just gotten out of the shower, and is wearing fresh pajamas. She dumps the contents of a shoe box onto the bed. She sorts through the pictures, thinking of the memories attached to each one. She knows her daughter is too young to understand her actions. At the same time, she can understand where her daughter's questions come from. She looks up, and finds Amira standing in the doorway.

"What are you doing?" Amira asks, in her pajamas.

Olivia pats a spot on the bed, next to her. "I am looking at some old pictures."

Amira comes into the room, and joins Olivia on the bed. Amira takes a seat next to her. She peeks at the picture in Olivia's hands. She stares at the baby picture.

"Mom, why didn't you just tell them about me, then?"

"Life is complicated."

"So make it simple," Amira insists.

"I didn't think they would understand."

"What is there to understand?"

"Amira you know what I mean."

"Why can't you ever just be honest with yourself? You never wanted me, did you?"

"Amira I always wanted you."

"Then why is everything such a secret?"

Olivia shrugs, "Because nothing in this life is simple."

"I just wish that you didn't work all of the time," Amira lays a guilt trip on her.

"I know."

"You see them more than you see me."

"Amira I am sorry."

"Stop saying that."

"Ok," Olivia nods.

"Mom?"

"Hm?"

"Are you going to take my door off the hinges, like you said you would?"

"Not this time," Olivia looks over at the clock on her bedside stand, "Amira, it's getting late, you need to get in bed."

"It's only nine thirty."

"Which is your bedtime."

"Here," she rolls her eyes.

"It is your bedtime, period," Olivia answers, collecting the pictures that are strewn across her bed, and putting them back into the box. Amira helps her. Olivia gets out of bed, and shoves the box back under the bed. She heads for the doorway.

"Where are you going?" Amira wonders.

"I am going to tuck you in, come on."

"I am too old to be tucked in."

"You're twelve, not twelve hundred," Olivia argues.

"I don't want to go to bed."

"Come on," Olivia tries to coax her.


	5. Growing Pains

"Stop treating me like a three year old," Amira insists.

"Amira, you have school in the morning, please go to bed," Olivia begs, to tired to fight.

"Fine," she stomps out of the room.

Olivia doesn't dare follow her down the hallway, or check to see that she actually gets into bed. She returns to her own bed, and climbs under the covers. She finds a stray picture lying on the floor, next to the bed. She reaches over, and picks it up, off a space on the floor between her bed, and nightstand. She stares at the picture of a dark haired three year old princess. She wonders to herself where she went wrong. When had that sweet little girl turned into the moody, difficult child that replaced her?

* * *

_Christmas 2003- Olivia wakes up early, even though she worked until after midnight the night before. She yawns, as she slides out of bed. Her bare feet hit the cold floor, and make her reconsider getting up. She rounds the corner, to the hallway. She stops, at the door on the left. She pushes it open, the rest of the way. There is a night light in the corner of the room. Olivia moves towards it. She stops at the bed, and takes a seat. She leans over, and flips on the lamp that sits on the table next to the bed. It's just after seven. She smiles, when she sees her sleeping little girl. Amira lies on her side, with her face towards the door. Her long dark hair goes in twelve different directions. Olivia leans forward, and plants a kiss on her cheek._

_"Morning, little girl," she whispers into her hear._

_Amira's eyes flutter open. She smiles, the second that she lays eyes on Olivia. _

_"Merry Christmas, mommy!" She sits up, and wraps her arms around Olivia's neck. _

_Olivia lifts the little girl out of bed. She carries her into the living room, where the Christmas tree is brightly lit. She takes a seat on the couch, with the little girl. She puts a blanket over them. _

_"Look," Olivia points, "Santa came."_

_"Do you think that santa came at daddy's house, too?"_

_"I bet that he did," Olivia smiles, as Amira sits on her lap, snuggling closely._

_"Mommy I made you something for Christmas."_

_"You did?"_

_Amira squirms, as she tries to get out from under the blanket. Olivia lifts it off of her. The little girl hops off Olivia's lap, and slides off the couch. She goes over to the Christmas tree, and pulls off an ornament. She returns to the couch, handing the ornament to Olivia. Olivia takes it, and helps the three year old back onto the couch. _

_"I made it with Miss Lisa," Amira explains._

_Olivia studies the plaster hand with a hole through the top, in which a ribbon is strung through it. She smiles, widely, "I love it."_

_"I painted it purple, because it's your favorite color."_

_"You did such a good job. It's perfect Amira."_

* * *

She stares at the picture of three year old Amira dressed in her princess costume from Santa. The little girl smiles widely, as she sits on a toy rocking horse. Olivia's heart aches for her sweet, little girl. She places the picture on the bedside stand, and climbs out of bed. She leaves her room, turning off the light on her way out. She makes her way down the hallway, to the room on left. She pushes the door open. She finds that the lamp is on. Amira sits in her bed, reading a book. She looks up at Olivia, in disgust.

"I'll be done in ten minutes, I just want to finish this chapter," Amira explains.

"It's ok. That isn't why I came in here," Olivia reveals.

"Why did you come in here?"

Olivia approaches the bed, "Scoot over."

"Why?"

"Scoot over," Olivia repeats.

Amira slides towards the wall. Olivia pulls the covers back, and climbs into the bed next to her.

"Amira why are you so angry at me?"

"You know why," Amira answers, refusing to look up from her book.

"Amira, look at me," she insists.

Amira puts the bookmark in her book, and closes it. She places the book on her lap, and turns her head towards Olivia.

"Talk to me."

"I have been trying. You don't want to listen," Amira answers.

"I am listening now," Olivia says, understandingly.

"Why is everything in my life such a big secret?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why am I a secret?"

Olivia stares into the eyes of her daughter. The guilt washes over her.

Amira continues, before Olivia can say anything, "And don't tell me that when I am older I will understand. I will never understand."

"Amira you are my entire world, you have to know that."

"Then why don't you want to share me with the world? What have I done?"

Olivia shakes her head. She tucks a piece of Amira's hair, behind her ear. She kisses her forehead. "You haven't done anything."

"Then why am I a secret?"

"Why do you always ask me this? You never ask your father these questions."

"I don't have to. I know why he keeps me a secret. He works undercover, all of the time. He has to protect me from the people he is trying to catch. I understand that. What I don't understand is why you keep me a secret."

"Because I want to protect you. All I have ever wanted is to protect you. You're right, I probably should have told people about you..."

Amira cuts her off, "But you didn't, why? You have worked at SVU longer than I have been alive. You can't trust the people that you work with?"

"I trust them, and I want to protect you."

"From what?"

"The entire world. If I told everyone about you the wrong person might find out. I deal with sick, twisted individuals every day of my life. It would kill me if one of them found out about you, and tried to hurt you. I would never be able to live with myself, then."

"You can't tell your own partner?" she raises an eyebrow.

"What if one of my co-workers unintentionally mentioned something about you?"

"They have kids too. Maybe it's not me that you're protecting."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe it's you."

"Amira that isn't fair."

"Mom you can't protect me from the entire world, no matter how much you try."

"I know that."

"You have to trust me, more than you mistrust the rest of the world."

"But you're my baby," Olivia argues.

"I'm twelve."

"No matter how old you are, you are always going to be my baby."

"Take a chance," Amira insists.

"I don't..."

Amira cuts her off, "Tell your partner. He already met me."

"I don't know if he'll understand."

"He's a good partner, right?"

"Yes," Olivia nods, in confirmation.

"You trust him?"

"With my life."

"Then trust him with this," she insists with a wisdom beyond her years.


	6. One Night

_September 22nd 2000- 11PM-_

_She is sound asleep on the couch, when she is rudely awakened by someone knocking on her door. She jumps off the couch, and makes a beeline for the door. She looks through the peephole, and quickly unbolts the door. She pulls the door open, and stares at the party on the other side. She stares at Brian, in utter confusion. He holds a tiny baby in his arms. _

_"What are you doing here?" she asks._

_"I didn't know where else to go."_

_"Cassidy why are you holding a baby?"_

_"It's a long story," he admits, in a shaky tone._

_"Come in," she motions for him to enter._

_He enters the apartment, and she closes the door. He sits the diaper bag that is slung over his shoulder on the floor. She points to the couch._

_"Have a seat," she instructs him._

_He takes a seat on the couch, with the little girl, in his arms. She takes a seat next to him. She looks at the baby he's holding. The newborn is wrapped in a hospital blanket with a white long-sleeved t-shirt, and a striped cap on. The little one still wears a hospital band. Olivia looks over at Brian, questioningly._

_"Where did you get a baby?"_

_"The hospital," he stares at the baby, not making eye contact with Olivia._

_"I got that part."_

_He looks up at her, "Why don't you hold her? I don't know what I'm doing."_

_Olivia nods. He carefully places the tiny baby in her arms. The baby sleeps peacefully._

_"Brian why do you have a baby? Did you steal a baby?"_

_"No," he shakes his head. _

_"You seem panicked what's going on?"_

_"I am. I have no clue what I'm doing. What am I supposed to do?"_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"I got a call from the hospital yesterday."_

_"Ok," Olivia nods._

_"Her mother was in a car accident."_

_"You knew her mother," she assumes._

_"Yes."_

_"How?"_

_"We went on a few dates."_

_"Why did they call you?"_

_"I didn't know. I swear I didn't know," he rambles._

_"Know what?" Olivia questions._

_"I didn't know Grace was pregnant."_

_"You lost touch?"_

_"We had a couple of good times, but it wasn't anything special."_

_"You never called," Olivia guesses._

_"She never told me," he explains._

_"Told you what?"_

_"That she was having my baby."_

_"Oh."_

_He swallows hard, clearly shaken._

_"Take your time," Olivia tells him._

_"Anyway, when I got to the hospital she was in surgery."_

_"Back up. Why was she in the hospital? To have the baby?"_

_He shakes his head, "No she wasn't due for two more weeks. She was out walking the dog, and she got bumped by a car."_

_"Ok."_

_"When I got there they had taken her for an emergency c-section. She gave them my name, and number, and told them I was the father."_

_"Did you have DNA test?"_

_"They rushed the results," he reveals._

_Olivia looks at the sweet little baby in her arms, "It's yours?"_

_He nods, "She's mine."_

_"Where is her mother? Did she bolt?"_

_"No. She hemorrhaged. She flat lined in the O.R. They couldn't get her back."_

_"Brian, I'm so sorry."_

_"Olivia what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to raise a kid? I can barely take care of myself. And I don't know the first thing about a little girl."_

_"Why did you come here? Of all of the people in the world why did you come to me?"_

_"You were the only person I could think of. I know how good you are with kids. Beyond that, you are more mature, and you know what to do. I hoped that you would be able to give me advice, or some sort of crash course in how to take care of a baby."_

_She smiles, "I am flattered."_

_He eyes the baby in Olivia's arms, "She makes me so nervous. She's so small, and I don't know the first thing about her. I don't know how to change a diaper, or feed her. Do you know how to do any of that stuff?"_

_"Yeah," Olivia confirms, "Are you planning on keeping her?"_

_"I am too young for this."_

_"So, no?"_

_He shrugs, "I don't know. I just want to do what's best for her. In twenty four hours I learned I was having a kid, to her being here, and her mom dying, and now, I don't know what to do. The second that I laid eyes on her, I loved her, but I don't know how to be her dad. I'm scared out of my mind. What should I do?"_

_"First of all, calm down, and take a breath."_

_"Ok," he nods._

_"Does she have a name?"_

_"No. Olivia, I don't know if I can do this. How am I supposed to take care of her, as a single guy, working as a cop? It's just not practical."_

_"Brian tell me what you want."_

_"I don't want to be a shitty father."_

_"What would be the ideal situation?"_

_"The ideal situation? She would have two parents who loved her, even if they weren't together. She would have someone like you, in her life to teach her all of the things that I can't."_

_"What do you want me to do to help you?"_

_"Can you keep her?"_

_Olivia furrows her brow, and breaks eye contact. She looks down at the little girl, asleep in her arms. She lays eyes on her, and she can't help but love her. She swallows down the emotion, and blocks out the voices in her head._

_"Brain, what about you? You're her father."_

_"Can we work something out?"_

_"What would you suggest?"_

_"She needs a mother. She needs a name. She needs someone who can teach what I need to know."_

_"I get that."_

_"I want her. I want to be in her life."_

_"But?"_

_"I know that I can't do it on my own. I trust you. I need help. It's not like I have anyone else."_

_"Brian, I don't know."_

_"I know that we didn't work out, but you're still my friend. I trust you, I respect you. I am begging you to help me."_

_"I am not going to raise your baby so you can continue to act like a frat boy."_

_"I'll grow up, I swear. I can't afford child care for sixty hours a week."_

_"What is your plan?"_

_"We share custody, just like she were our baby."_

_"And when you find someone else?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"A girlfriend or..."_

_"No. She needs stability. She needs a mother. She needs you."_

* * *

She sits in an uncomfortable chair, at a piano recital, on a Sunday afternoon. She looks up at the stage. She watches, and listens as her daughter sits down to play. The twelve year olds' fingers glide across the keys. As Olivia watches her, she wonders how different her life would be, if it hadn't been for drunken one night stands, years ago. She looks to her left. Brian sits next to her, watching intently, with a smile on his face.


	7. Bits And Pieces

The recital ends over an hour later. Olivia, and Brian wait near the exit for Amira. She joins them, wearing her coat. The pea coat covers her navy blue dress. To compliment the dress she wears a pair of dark tights, and cute ballet flats. She long dark locks are curled, and secured behind a headband. Brian smiles at her.

"You did a great job."

"I have been practicing a lot," she admits.

"Why don't we go get some ice cream?" Olivia suggests.

"Do we have to?" Amira questions.

"No, I just thought that you would want to. You did such a great job I thought you deserved a reward," Olivia explains.

Amira smirks, "I am not five you do not have to bribe me to continue to practice."

"I don't think your mom is trying to bribe you," Brian argues.

"I'm not."

"Ok," she nods, in agreement.

"'Mira do you have your sheet music?" Cassidy questions.

She lifts up her arm, "It's in my folder."

"Ok, let's go."

Before they can make it out the door Olivia's phone is ringing. She groans, in disbelief.

"Don't answer it," Amira insists.

"I have to it's work," she reveals.

"We'll wait outside," Brian informs her.

She nods, and answers her phone, as they head outside. "Benson? Ok. I'll be there," she hangs up. She tucks the phone back into her pocket, and joins them outside.

"Bad news?" Amira guesses.

"I have a crime scene to go to, sorry."

"We can still go for ice cream," Brian tells her.

"Ok," she nods.

Olivia steps forward. She hugs her, "I'll see you later."

"Bye," she pushes her away.

* * *

Hours later Olivia is sitting at her desk, searching through files to find the information that she's looking for. She looks down at her watch for the tenth time in an hour. Nick looks up, at her.

"You have somewhere to be?"

"Other than home, no."

"You have a hot date, or something?"

"Hardly," she admits.

"Then why do you keep checking your watch?"

She shrugs, "Because I want to get out of here."

"It's barely nine o'clock."

"I know."

"Liv, what's on your mind?"

"Why does anything have to be on my mind?"

"Because you have been distracted all day. Your focus has not been on this case."

"This is the last place that I wanted to be on my day off."

"Where were you at, when you got called."

"Why does it matter?" she queries.

"I was just curious. You were somewhere important. You certainly don't get that dressed up to come to work."

She looks down at her dress, "I don't have to have a reason."

"Were you at church?"

"No."

"So you were dressed like that in the middle of a Sunday afternoon, just sitting at home, chilling on your couch?"

"No."

"So where were you?" he goads.

"I had a piano recital to go to."

"That was your excitement for the day?"

"Yes."

"Whose piano recital?"

Olivia doesn't answer.

"Brian's kid?"

"She has a name."

"I am sure that she does, but he didn't share it with me."

"Her name is Amira."

"So he drug you to the recital to listen to a bunch of twelve year olds play piano? That must have been romantic," he teases.

"I wanted to go. It wasn't just twelve year olds. It was preschool through sixth grade."

"That had to be brutal."

"Two hours worth of mostly untalented kids banging on the piano, maybe a little," she confirms.

"So why did you go?"

"To support Amira."

"Is she one of the untalented ones?"

"I am sure that all parents think their child is the next Mozart, or Beethoven, but that is not the case with most of them."

He smiles, "That isn't what I asked."

"She's got talent."

"You're not just saying that because you know her, and you're biased?"

"I am certain that I am biased, but she really is good. She was the highlight of the performance."

"How long has she been playing?"

"Since she was two."

"Brian doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would force his kid to play piano."

"He didn't."

"Her mother did?"

"No one did. She started playing on her own."

"At two?"

"Two and a half," she confirms.

"And she's stuck with it all of this time?"

"Yeah."

"In my experience twelve year olds are rebellious, and tend to..."

She cuts him off, "I think that it is actually the _only_ thing she likes to do."

"She sounds like an interesting kid. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," she nods.

"Did you know he had a kid, when you decided to get together with him?"

"Of course I did."

"No one else has mentioned her, why is that?"

"Probably because he doesn't readily disclose that information. He has spent a lot of time undercover."

"I can understand that. So him having a kid isn't a deal breaker?"

"No."

"But twelve year olds can be difficult to deal with. I can't imagine that..."

She cuts him off, "Can we talk about something else?"

"I'm sorry, did I strike a nerve?"

"Nick..."

"Olivia, it is nine o'clock, Sunday night, there is no one here but us. You might as well just answer the question."

"I didn't hear one."


	8. Little Girl

_May 3rd 2003- _

_Olivia watches as some snotty nosed three year old blows out candles. Her little one sits in front of her, in a chair. The little boy's mother goes to cut the cake. Amira slides out of her chair. Olivia looks at her._

_" 'Mira where are you going?"_

_The little one runs out of the room, in the opposite direction. Olivia leaves the dining room, and follows after her. Amira hoists herself onto the bench in front of the baby grand, in the living room. Her frilly dress pulls in an upward direction, revealing her chubby little legs. Olivia moves towards the little girl, whose dark hair is pulled into two piggy tails. _

_"Amira, no."_

_"I want to play," Amira answers her, reaching forward._

_"This is not a toy, Amira," Olivia reminds her. _

_Amira is unable to reach the piano keys. Olivia sighs, in relief. The little girl pushes herself onto her knees so she can reach. She begins to hit the keys, and Olivia looks at her, mortified. She reaches for her, to pick her up off the bench. _

_"Amira come on," she begs._

_The little girl squirms, and resists. Olivia tries to remove her from the bench. She turns, and looks behind her, when the homeowner clears her throat, in the doorway. _

_"I am so sorry."_

_The woman smiles. "It's ok, let her go."_

_"I don't want her to..."_

_The woman shakes her head, "She can't hurt anything. Zach bangs on that thing all of the time. He can get rather violent with it. It isn't anything valuable. We have it because Ted's mother gave it to us, so that Lacy would learn to play. She said she wanted her granddaughter to be well versed in the classics."_

_"Jess, Lacy is five," Olivia points out._

_"And she still just bangs on the keys. At least Amira is gentle."_

_Olivia looks down at the little girl. The toddler smiles widely, clearly pretty impressed with herself. She touches the keys one at a time. _

_"That sounds pretty Amira," Jess smiles at her. _

_"Thanks," she squeals. _

_Jess slides onto the bench, next to Amira. She looks over at her, "Can I help?"_

_"Yes," Amira agrees. _

_Jess begins to play, Amira settles in her lap. She watches intently as Jess plays a simple tune. Once she's finished Amira tries to mimic her movements. "Very pretty Amira," encourages her._

_"Are you sure that this is ok?" Olivia questions._

_"The rest of them are running around my house tanked up on sugar demolishing things. I am not worried about her playing the piano. At least it sounds nice."_

* * *

She looks up from her desk, and her partner is standing next to her. He nudges her.

"Olivia, did you hear me?"

She shakes her head, "No, what did you say?"

"Never mind. What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing," she lies.

"Something," he argues.

"I don't always do the right thing," she admits.

"None of us do. What's your point?"

"I have made some pretty stupid decisions."

"Everyone has. Olivia why are you bringing this up?"

"Have a seat," she instructs.

He grabs a chair, and pulls it up to the side of her desk. He turns it around, and sits on it, backwards. "What's up?"

"We've been partners for a while now."

"Yeah," he nods, "And?"

"And I am not very good at opening up."

"I've noticed."

"I am sorry that I didn't tell you about Brian," she begins.

"I understand. You were right. I acted like a jerk."

"I don't want you to think that I was just keeping you out of the loop, because I wasn't."

"What you're saying is I'm not special? You didn't tell anyone."

"Exactly."

"Olivia it is water under the bridge. I am over it."

"I am your partner. It is your job to have my back."

"I know."

"How are you supposed to do that, if you don't know who you're protecting?"

He shrugs, "That is a good question."

"There are a lot of things that you don't know about me."

"Obviously."

"There are a lot of things that nobody knows about me. You shouldn't feel slighted. I was with my last partner for twelve years, and there were things that I didn't even tell him."

"So, what you're saying, is if I make it to year thirteen, then you'll open up?"

She smirks, "You are such a smartass."

"Maybe a little."

"I am trying to be serious here."

"By all means, go ahead."

"I had an interesting conversation recently."

"With who?"

She shakes her head, "It doesn't matter."

"Then why are you bringing it up?"

"Because they made the point that you're my partner, and that I should trust you."

"I thought that you did."

"I do."

"But?"

"Sometimes partners share things, that should remain between them."

"You lost me. You never confide anything in me."

"I am going to," she admits.

"Ok," he nods, "Go ahead. What is your biggest secret?"

"The person I was having this conversation with..."

"What about them?"

She swallows hard, and looks him dead in the eyes, "Was my daughter."

He furrows his brow, "What?"

"It was my daughter."

"I don't understand."

"I knew Brian had a daughter, because..."

He cuts her off, as the pieces fall into place, "She's your daughter, too?"

"Yes," she confirms.

"Why haven't you mentioned it before? Why hasn't anyone else said anything? She's twelve."

"No one else here knows."


	9. Unorthodox

"How could they not? I think they would have noticed if you were pregnant, wouldn't they? If she's your daughter then they should have picked up on..."

"It's not that simple."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't give birth to her," Olivia explains.

"You just said that she's your daughter."

"Yes," she confirms.

"And now you're saying that you didn't give birth to her."

"Legally I am."

"I don't understand," he furrows his brow.

"Thirteen years ago Brian and I had a brief... whatever it was. It turns out, a few weeks before that, he had a brief fling, with someone else."

"And?"

"Her name was Grace."

"Was?"

"She didn't tell Brian she was pregnant. He had to find out when she went to the hospital, because she got hit by a car. She was in surgery when he got to the hospital. They saved Amira, but she didn't make it."

"I don't see how she's your daughter," he admits.

"He showed up on my doorstep with this innocent baby. He was kid, and he didn't know what to do. He asked me for help."

* * *

_September 24th 2000- She's been granted a 4 week leave of absence. She didn't tell her Captain why, only that it was personal. _

_She opens her eyes, and finds a baby, sleeping on her chest. She smiles, at the sleepy little girl. The little one opens her eyes, and yawns. Olivia pats her back. She kisses her cheek._

_"Hi beautiful."_

_She stares at the dark haired little girl, struggling to understand. She stares at her, and it's as if her heart has grown exponentially in size. She looks at the little baby, knowing that biologically she's not hers. As the newborn presses her ear against her chest, to listen to Olivia's heartbeat, Olivia's lips crawl into a smile. _

_This is not how she thought it would be. It wasn't planned. Biologically, she isn't hers. As she stares at the sweet, innocent baby, none of that seems to matter. All she can see is her baby. Already she's in love with her. The circumstances of her conception, and her arrival, none of them matter to Olivia. _

* * *

"So you agreed to help him raise his daughter, even though the two of you weren't together?"

"Right," she nods.

"That's pretty unconventional."

"I have never said that I was conventional."

"How did you make it work? It must have been hard, trying to raise a child that belonged to someone else."

"It wasn't like that. From the second he put her in my arms it was like she was mine. It was as if she filled the piece of the puzzle that was always missing."

"So what does she call you?"

"Mom."

"And where does she live?"

"In two places."

"How often does Brian see her?"

"We share custody."

"Fifty, fifty?"

"It just depends on what mood Amira is in each week. She stays with whoever she chooses, for the most part. She stays with me most of the time, only because Brian works nights."

"So who takes her to school?"

"He takes her, every morning. He stops by, and picks her up. He walks her to school. He'll pick her up from school, too if I'm busy. Then whenever I get home he'll drop her off. I'll make her dinner, and help her with her homework. I pack her lunch, and then she goes to bed."

"Why?"

"I see so much of myself in her. It is amazing how much she acts like me, even though biologically she's not mine."

"She kind of looks like you, too."

"I guess Brian has a type."

"Does she know the truth?"

Olivia nods, in confirmation, "She has known for a long time."

"And she's ok with it?"

"I am the only mother she has ever known."

"Why is it a secret?"

"I just want to protect her. I don't think most people would understand. Sometimes I don't even understand."

"I do. You love your child the second you lay eyes on them. Obviously biology doesn't matter much."

"She's getting into an age now, that she blames me for everything. Most days she doesn't like me, and that's hard."

"Why not?"

"She doesn't like that Brian are together."

"That doesn't make any sense. I would think she would want a happy family."

"She's a daddy's girl. She doesn't want to share him with anyone, even me."

"So he's always been part of her life?"

"The first year was the toughest. He was afraid he would drop her, or break her. I had her most of the time, then. He was starting at a new job, and his life was chaotic. It took him probably the whole first year to adjust to the idea of being a parent."

"But you didn't? Why not?"

She smiles, "It's something I was born to do."

"So you never considered being with him, and settling down, and having some more kids?"

"It wasn't like that. I didn't see him like that, for a long time. I was happy with Amira, and I wasn't ready. I am good with kids. I am not very good at having long-lasting committed relationships."

"So where did the name Amira come from?"

* * *

_September 24th, 2000-_

_Her phone rings. She has the baby in her arms, feeding her. She leans forward on the couch, and reaches for the phone that is on the coffee table._

_"Benson," she answers, out of habit._

_"How is my little girl?"_

_"She's ok."_

_"Listen I got a call from one of the paramedics that was at the scene. She said that she found something that belonged to Grace, on her rig. I told her to stop by, and bring it to you."_

_"Ok."_

_Before she can hang up someone is knocking on the door. "I gotta go," she whispers into the phone._

_She opens the door, and finds a bright eyed paramedic standing in front of her. _

_"I'm glad to see that she is ok," she looks at the baby in Olivia's arms. She holds out her hand. "I found this necklace when I was cleaning my rig. It belonged to Grace. I thought her daughter should have it."_

_"Thank you," Olivia takes the necklace from her, "I didn't catch your name."_

_"Amira."_


	10. Grown Ups

He looks up at her, as she comes through the door. He looks at his watch, and studies her, in confusion. She makes eye contact, and joins him at the table he's sitting at. He has a cup of coffee in front of him. She slides into the booth, across the table from him.

"What's up? It's kind of early for dinner, and late for lunch."

"Brian, we need to talk."

"I don't like that tone," he admits, "Isn't it a little early for you to be off work?"

"I didn't get lunch earlier, so I am taking it now."

"You always skip lunch. What gives?"

"I think that we need to slow down."

"What do you mean?"

"I am worried about Amira."

"Olivia, she's fine," he insists.

"She isn't fine. She is not handling this well."

"She is going to have to get over it," he tells her.

"That is insensitive."

"She's twelve. She will get over it."

"I can't believe you right now."

He raises an eyebrow, as she raises her voice, "What are you talking about?"

"She comes first."

"She has come first, for the last twelve years. I have sacrificed for her. Once in my life I just want what I want. I don't feel the need to apologize for wanting to be with you."

"You are totally unbelievable. She is your daughter. It is your duty to sacrifice for her, for the rest of her life. That is something that you agreed to the day that you accepted responsibility for her."

"Whoa! Why are you jumping down my throat?"

"She is more important than any relationship."

He shakes his head, in disbelief, "And that is your problem."

"My problem," she furrows her brow, "What do you mean?"

"You can't always put her ahead of your wants and needs. You always put her first. You always choose her over any relationship with a man. You can't be happy, because she doesn't want to share you. Olivia you have to stop. She is old enough to get over it. You have got to start making choices that make you happy."

She shakes her head, "You are an idiot. I put her first, because someone has to. I am the only mother that she has ever known. I am the only person who puts her wants, and needs firsts."

"What are you saying here? Are you saying that I don't?"

"Brian, when she was three you spent her birthday out of state. You were so deep undercover that year that you missed Christmas too. You have missed a lot of important moments. Until the past few years you haven't been consistent at all."

"You've missed a lot of important moments, too."

"Not as many as you have."

"You are not her mother," he goes for a low blow.

She slides out of the booth. She rises to her feet, and turns, and heads for the door. He follows after her. He grabs her by the arm before she can reach the door. She spins around, and looks at him.

"Olivia, wait."

She shakes her head, "No."

"Please," he begs, "I don't want to end this conversation like this."

"Let go of me, now."

He lets go of her arm, "Let's calm down, and talk about this like adults."

"How do you propose we do that?"

"Come back to the table, and sit down."

"There is only one adult here, and it isn't you. Brian, just when I think that you're starting to grow up you pull some stupid stunt, or some bullshit like this. I'm done."

"Done? What do you mean by that?"

She shakes her head, "Don't worry about picking Amira up from school. I'll get her."

He looks at his watch, "She gets out of school in ten minutes."

"I will get her, just go home."

"She's _my_ daughter."

"Go home, before this gets ugly," she suggests.

He takes a step back, and lets her go.

She pulls up, in front of the school, in her unmarked just as school is letting out. She watches, through the lenses of her aviator's. She sees Amira through the windshield, and beeps at her. She rolls the passenger's side window down, and waves for her. Amira comes over to the car, and gets into the front seat. She places her backpack on the floor, and buckles up. She looks over at Olivia.

"Are you done with work, this early?"

"No, I am going to take you back to work with me, ok? You can do your homework while I finish up."

"Mom, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she lies, as she puts the car into gear, and pulls away from the curb.

"Mom why are you here to pick me up? Where is dad?"

"I told him that I would pick you up."

"Why?" Amira asks, as she watches the buildings pass by, out the window.

"I just wanted to see you."

"Mom just tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing, baby."

"I am sorry about the things that I said..."

Olivia cuts her off, "It's ok Amira, don't worry about it."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No," Olivia shakes her head.

"Then why are you angry?"

"I am not angry at you."

"Who are you angry at?"

"Amira I don't want to play twenty questions today, I have a headache."

"Is his name dad?"

Olivia looks over at Amira, as they approach the precinct. She doesn't say anything.

"Just tell me what's going on," Amira begs.

"Amira it's nothing."

"It's something."

Olivia pulls into a parking spot in front of the precinct. Amira reaches for the door handle. Olivia locks the door. Amira turns, and looks at her.

"Is there a problem detective?" Amira smiles.

Olivia nods, "You didn't give me a hug."

"I gave you one before I left this morning."

"Get your bag," Olivia tells her, unlocking the door, knowing it's not a battle worth fighting.


	11. Advocate

No one says a word to her, as she enters the squad room. She parks Amira at her desk. Her partner approaches her. Without a word Amira reaches into her backpack, and pulls out her homework.

"We have a lead," Nick tells her.

"Ok," Olivia nods.

Nick looks at Amira, and then at her, "So..."

Olivia hands him the keys to the squad car, "I'll meet you in the car."

"Ok," he nods, leaving the room.

She looks at the little girl sitting at her desk, "Will you..."

"I have a lot of homework to do. I'll be fine, go."

"Are you sure?" Olivia questions.

"I am twelve, not to. I will be fine, by myself."

"Ok, but if you have any problems," Olivia begins.

"I will call you."

"Ok."

"I think there is something that you're forgetting," Amira tells her.

"A hug?"

Amira shakes her head, and points to the office, "No."

Olivia looks up, and finds Cragen looking at her, through the window in the door to his office. Olivia smiles.

"I'll take care of it later. If you need anything, ask Fin," Olivia points.

On the other side of the room Fin sits at his desk. He looks up briefly, but says nothing, quickly returning to his paperwork.

"Ok," Amira nods in agreement.

* * *

When she reaches the car she finds that her partner is in the passenger's seat. She ducks into the drivers seat, and finds that the keys are already in the ignition. She turns the key, and the engine rolls over. He shows her the address, on the screen of his phone. Without a single word she pulls out of the parking space. They have barely made it a hundred feet before he breaks the silence.

"Bold move, don't you think?"

"I didn't have a choice."

"You always have a choice. Olivia how are you going to explain it to everyone?"

"I don't know, and honestly at this point I really don't care."

"You seem fired up, what happened?"

"Her father is an asshole."

"He wouldn't pick her up from school?"

"No. I told him that we need to slow down, because she isn't handling things well."

"And?"

"He said that he wants to put himself first, and so should I."

"That's pretty cold."

"He is an idiot."

"So you went and picked her up before he could?"

"No I told him that I was going to pick her up."

"Olivia isn't that custodial interference?"

"Hardly," she shakes her head.

"What if he says that it is?"

"There isn't anything that he can do," she argues.

"Just because we're cops doesn't mean that we are above the law. He is her father."

"And I am her legal guardian."

"His rights trump yours, don't you think?"

She shakes her head, "He signed over his parental rights."

Amaro furrows his brow, "What? Why would he do that?"

"It's a long story."

"In my experience your long stories are not that long. You just don't want to talk about it."

"No I don't want to talk about it, because it was not a pleasant experience."

"What happened?"

* * *

_February 14th 2004-_

_She lays on the couch, staring at her watch. Amira is asleep, next to her. It's after midnight, and he was supposed to pick her up before seven. She looks down at the little girl, and smiles. Her heart breaks for the little girl, and yet another broken promise, and missed visit with her dad. Olivia scoops her up off the couch. Amira rests her head on her shoulder, as Olivia carries the little girl to her room. Olivia pull back the Barbie bedspread, and places Amira under them. She kisses her, and leaves the room, after turning on the night light. She returns to the living room, and gather up the toys that are strewn across the floor. _

_She puts them in the storage ottoman near the couch, and shoves them into the corner of the room. She's about to head to the bathroom, for a shower, when someone knocks on the door. She makes her way to the door, in frustration. She looks through the peephole, but she doesn't open the door. He begins to bang on the door._

_"Olivia! Let me in!" _

_She groans, and unchains the door. She pulls the door open, and he enters the apartment. He looks around. _

_"Where is my daughter?"_

_"Well Brian, your daughter is three years old, and it is after midnight, so she is safely asleep in her bed."_

_"Look I'm sorry, I couldn't leave."_

_Olivia takes a deep breath, smelling him, "You've been drinking."_

_"I didn't have a choice."_

_She looks at his pupils._

_"Brian, are you high?"_

_"No. Olivia get my kid, I am taking her."_

_"Lower your voice," she warns him._

_"I will not."_

_"Brian she is asleep, you are not going to take her. She will not understand, she is three."_

_"She is mine."_

_"You should have thought about the fact that she was waiting on you, before you went out drinking."_

_"I had to."_

_"No, you didn't. No one held a gun to your head."_

_"What if they did? What was I supposed to do?"_

_"You should have taken the bullet," she says coldly. _

_"You are you angry?"_

_"She waited up for you for hours, until she passed out. She was up until ten thirty. She misses you. You have barely seen her in months. You missed her birthday. You missed Christmas. You told her you would be here tonight, and you weren't. You keep disappointing her. I won't have it."_


	12. Confusion

_"You won't have it? She's my daughter."_

_She steps into the kitchen, and pulls out papers. She hands them to him. He takes them, and just looks at her._

_"What are these?"_

_She hands him an ink pen, "Revocation of parental rights."_

_"You want me to go give up my parental rights, to you? Why would I do that?"_

_"Brian when was the last time that you spent more than an hour with her?"_

_"You won't let me see her."_

_"You're right. I won't let you see her, when it's midnight, and she's asleep. I won't let you see her, when you're drunk, or whatever you are, right now. I won't let you go get her in the middle of the day, from the sitter, and take her back an hour later, and disrupt her entire routine. You might think that I am a cold hearted bitch, but I am trying to look out for her best interest. Isn't that why you asked me to do this?"_

_"You can quit any time."_

_"Then who would take care of her? You won't."_

_"You are a good mom."_

_"She needs stability. I have no problem letting you be in her life, once you get your act together, but right now, you are in no shape to be her parent. If anything happens to her she needs a responsible adult who can make decisions for her. She needs me."_

_"I am her father."_

_"Then start acting like one. Start making decisions with her best interest at heart."_

_"You're telling me that you don't go out, and have a good time, ever?"_

_"On a rare occasion. I would rather be at home, with her."_

_"You're willing to give up your life for her?"_

_"Haven't I already proven that?"_

_"You don't have to do this for me."_

_She shakes her head, "I am not doing this for you, I am doing it for her."_

* * *

"So you bullied him into it?"

She shakes her head, "No. I waited until he was sober, before I let him sign the papers."

"And he did?"

"Yes."

"So he grew up?"

"I thought that he had, but I am beginning to doubt that."

"So you let him see her whenever he wants?"

"Within reason. He didn't really start being an active part of her life, again, until a few years ago."

"A few years ago?"

"About three years ago. Aside from a couple of months he spent with her, when she was six, he's been in and out of her life for the most part. Just before her ninth birthday he popped back into her life, and he's seen her pretty consistently since then."

"So who watched her while you were working?"

"A neighbor in the building. She has watched her since she was an infant."

"So you were pretty much a single parent to a child who, biologically isn't even yours."

She doesn't respond.

"So what made you decide to start a relationship with Brian?"

She shrugs, "Some days I really don't know. I don't know if I am doing it because I want to be with him, or I think that it's what is best for Amira. I can't just turn off the portion of my brain that wants to protect her, and do everything that I can for her."

"She's lucky to have you."

"Try convincing her of that."

"Olivia I think that she knows that."

"Then why does she question every single thing that I do?"

"It's her job. And, maybe because she just wants what is best for you, too."

"I don't know about that."

"Maybe her disapproval has nothing to do with jealousy. Is it possible that she just wants to see you happy?"

Olivia shrugs, "I don't know."

"Are you happy with him?"

She doesn't say anything.

"Olivia?"

"I don't know anymore."

"Then maybe this is the best thing that could have happened."

"My life is a mess."

"Have you looked at mine, lately," he teases.

She smirks at him, "At least I didn't have a kid that I didn't know about."

"Hey, that was a low blow."

"Sorry."

"But you are right, it could be worse."

"Yeah," she nods, in agreement, "It could."

"Sometimes life gives us what we needs, not what we want. While we're busy doing what we're supposed to, and looking for what we want, what we need was there, all along."

"Do you really believe that?"

He shrugs, "I have to believe something, or I would lose my mind," she smiles.

"I know what you mean."

"Olivia I wouldn't worry about this situation with Cassidy. It will work out however it is meant to. You were right, your daughter comes first, period. He should know that too."

"I can't understand it. She is his flesh and blood. Sometimes I feel like I have more of a connection to her than he does."

"Parenthood isn't so much about blood, as it is about love."

* * *

Amira looks around the room. She doesn't know anyone there. She stares at the piece of paper, in front of her, blankly. She pushes the chair away from Olivia's desk. She walks over to the man sitting at the desk that her mother has identified as Fin. She stops at the end of his desk. He looks up from his paperwork.

"Can I help you?"

"Do you know when Detective Benson will be back?"

"I'm not sure. Did she leave you here, on your own?"

"I'm fine."

"What's your name?"

"I'm Amira."

Fin extends a hand, "Amira it's nice to meet you I'm Fin. Is there something that I can help you with?"

"Not unless you're good at math."

"How old are you?"

"Twelve."

"You're in what, sixth grade?"

"Yes, sir," she nods.

"You don't have to call me sir, Fin is just fine."

"So do you know anything about math?"

"I'll make you a deal, you answer some of my questions, and I'll help you out with your math homework."

"Ask away."


	13. The Third Degree

"What are you doing hanging out with Olivia?" Fin questions.

"I plead the fifth."

"You said that I could ask whatever I wanted."

"I didn't say that I would answer," she points out.

"So you aren't going to tell me?"

"She picked me up from school."

"Ok, why?"

"Because she didn't want my dad to."

"Oh."

She furrows her brow, "Not for the reason that you're thinking."

"How do you know Olivia?"

"I think that you should ask her that."

"You're pretty cagey. Where did you learn that from?"

"My mom."

"And where is she at?"

"She's working."

"So what do your parents do?"

She smirks, and then shrugs, "I don't know, what do you do?"

"You're not going to answer my questions, are you?"

"Probably not the way that you want me to."

"Then I should probably just help you with your homework."

* * *

Nick, and Olivia return to the precinct nearly two hours later. Nick takes the suspect into the interview room. Olivia follows him. Nick gets the suspect situated, and then leaves the room, momentarily. He rejoins his partner, on the other side of the glass.

"Why don't you head home? I can take it from here."

"I can't imagine that he's going to confess very easily."

"Take Amira home, get some dinner, and some sleep. I'll have Fin me out, if I need it."

"Nick, I should be here."

He shakes his head, "Not tonight, go home."

"Are you sure?"

"Don't argue with me about it, just go home."

"Ok," she nods in agreement.

She heads back to the squad room, and finds that Amira isn't at her desk. She looks over at Fin.

"Where did she go? She was just here when I walked through here a few minutes ago."

"She went to grab a snack," he tells her.

Amira returns to the squad room, with a package of crackers. Olivia grabs Amira's backpack, of the seat of her chair.

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah," Amira nods.

"We can get dinner on the way,"

"Ok," Amira agrees.

The elevator ride is silent. When they reach the car Amira breaks the silence.

"Mom?"

"Yeah," Olivia responds, as she pulls onto the street.

"Fin was asking a lot of questions."

"Don't worry about it Amira."

"How long have you worked with him?"

"A long time, why?"

"You should tell him."

"Amira where do you want to eat?"

"I just want to go home. I'm tired."

"You're sure that you don't want to stop somewhere?"

"I am certain."

"Do you want to order something?"

"No. Mom I am sick of eating take out."

"Amira I don't know what's in the cabinet at home, other than some lunchmeat."

"There is a box of mac and cheese, that will be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Mom I just want to go home," she insists.

"Why are you in such a bad mood?"

"I'm not. I am tired, and I'm hungry. I am not in a bad mood."

"Then lose the tone," Olivia warns.

"Me?"

"I don't want to argue. I already have a headache."

"Mom I think that you should stop."

"Stop to eat?"

"No," Amira shakes her head.

"Stop what?"

"Stop shutting everyone out. Why can't you just tell the truth."

"We're going to have this conversation, again?"

"No, just fix it."

"Ok."

"Can I say something without you being mad at me?"

"Amira you can say whatever you want."

"I don't think you should see dad anymore."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because he isn't right for you."

"Amira I know that you don't like it, but you have to accept the fact that at some point I am going to see someone, even if it isn't your dad. You always do this."

"It's different this time. I don't like him because I don't know him. I just don't think he's worth it."

Olivia stops, at the stoplight. She looks over at her daughter, and furrows her brow, "What do you mean, you don't think he's worth it?"

"He's not worth your energy."

"Amira he's your dad."

"You don't have to make things work out, on my account. You have no obligation to be in a relationship with him. I will be fine if you're not."

"Amira it isn't about you."

"Mom I love you," she points out.

"I love you too."

"So why don't you listen to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"He isn't the one. I'm not trying to cause problems, this time. I just know in my heart that you could do better."

"He is a good guy," Olivia tries to remain positive.

Amira rolls her eyes, and huffs, in frustration, "Yeah, but he's not good enough. That is the point I'm trying to make, if you would just listen to me."


	14. Worst Nightmare

Olivia is in the bathroom the next morning. She is getting ready for work, with the door closed. Her phone is in the other room. Amira starts banging on the bathroom door.

"Mom!"

"Amira you just peed five minutes ago. I'll be done in five minutes, you have plenty of time."

"Mom come out now!"

Olivia pulls the door open. She looks at the twelve year old, and finds a panicked look on her face.

"Amira what's wrong?"

"Did you watch the news this morning?"

"You know that I hate watching the news, why?"

Amira doesn't say another word. She grabs Olivia by the hand, and drags her into the living room. She points to the TV. Olivia watches, in confusion. Amira breaks the silence between them.

"That is where dad works."

"I know."

"He would have been there last night."

"Amira I am sure that he's fine."

"I tried to call him, he didn't answer."

"Amira," she looks at the watch on her wrist, "he wouldn't be off yet. It's only six thirty. He is probably helping with the shooting."

"Call him, please."

"Ok," Olivia nods, in agreement. She leaves the living room, and heads into the bedroom. She grabs her phone off the bedside table. Before she can dial her phone is ringing.

"Benson," she answers a number that she doesn't recognize.

"Is this Olivia Benson?" the voice on the other side of the line answers.

"Yes."

"This is Mindy from Mercy General Hospital. I have you listed as the emergency contact for Brian Cassidy."

"Please tell me that he is ok."

"You should get down here," she advises.

"What's going on?"

"He was shot. He is currently in critical condition."

"I'll be right down," she hangs up.

Amira looks at her. "Daddy."

"Let's go."

"Mom I am still in pajamas."

"Sweetie you don't have time to change. I'll write you an excuse to be late for school, come on."

* * *

Olivia and Amira arrive at the hospital less than ten minutes later. Olivia thanks her stars that she brought the squad car home the night before. A nurse in the E.R. leads her to the bay that Brian is in. The curtain is closed. Their is frantic shouting inside. Olivia turns to the little girl beside her.

"Amira go back to the waiting room," Olivia insist.

"Mom!"

A nurse nearby approaches them. She looks at Amira, and smiles kindly. She reaches out a hand, "Come on, I'll take you." The nurse leads her away.

Olivia pulls the curtain back. A nurse at the head of the bed looks at her.

"You can't be in here," she barks.

"I am his emergency contact."

"Ma'am I don't care who you are you can't be in here."

She steps back, out of the curtained area. She hears the personnel inside. She hears them shock him multiple times. She waits outside the bay for ten minutes. Finally the personnel begins to trickle out. She is leaning against the wall. A doctor exits the room. He looks at her, and approaches.

"You're the emergency contact?"

"Yes," she nods.

"I'm sorry, we did everything that we could. He didn't make it."

"What happened?"

"He was shot three times. Once to the shoulder, once to the abdomen, and once to the chest. He didn't have a vest on. He lost too much blood."

"How did this happen?"

He leads her to the waiting room, where there is a pair of cops waiting for them. His co-workers look at the doctor. Amira waits in a seat across the room. The doctor tells them the news, and then leaves.

"I can't believe this," Olivia admits.

The young officer looks at her, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough," she responds, "What happened?"

"Three members of a gang attempted to remove evidence from lock-up last night. Brian was on his way to lunch. He just spotted them in the stairs."

Olivia turns, and looks away. She swallows hard, and tries to hold off the tears. She approaches the twelve year old waiting on the other side of the room. She squats, in front of her chair. She looks at her, but can't find the words to explain.

"No," Amira's chin quivers, as tears threaten to fall.

"Amira," Olivia begins, but can't finish.

Amira leans forward. Olivia wraps her arms around her. She hugs her tightly, as she cries. She kisses her forehead.

"Let's go home."

"Don't you have to go to work?"

"No."

"But..."

"Would it be ok if I stopped by the precinct for a minute, before we go home?"

"You have to."

* * *

Olivia enters the squad room, with a pajama clad twelve year old. Amira makes a beeline for Olivia's desk. She takes a seat in her chair, and says nothing. Olivia's co-workers haven't arrived yet. She heads into the office. Luckily her captain is already there. She steps into the office, and closes the door behind her.

"Olivia," he looks up, "What are you doing here so early?"

"I..."

"I mean in my office," he clarifies.

"I just came from the hospital," she admits.

"Are you ok?"

"No," she shake her head.

"What happened?"

"Brian was shot."

"Oh."

Her nostrils flare, "He didn't make it this time."


	15. Promises

"Olivia I am so sorry. If you're here about taking time off, take as much as you need."

"I am, but that isn't the only thing."

"What's going on?"

Olivia points out the window, "His daughter," is all she can get out.

He looks out the window at the distraught twelve year old at Olivia's desk. "I didn't know he had a daughter."

"Amira is twelve."

"I never knew."

She shakes her head, in disgrace, "There are a lot of things that you don't know."

He cocks an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"For the past twelve years we have been raising her together."

"You, and Brian had a daughter, together?"

"It is complicated."

"Simplify it," he insists.

"Biologically she isn't mine. He got a girl pregnant. He didn't know about the baby until her mother went to the hospital."

"What happened to her mother?"

"She died from injuries from a car accident. They did an emergency c-section to save the baby, but she didn't make it."

"So for the last twelve years you have been helping him raise her? Olivia you should have told me. I would have been more understanding."

"I have been her primary parent her entire life."

"What do you mean?"

"I have been her primary caregiver since I met her. She lives with me most of the time."

"For twelve years you have been the mother to a child, and you never once mentioned it to me?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"How did you find out?"

"He came to me. He didn't know who else to turn to."

"His mother, maybe?"

"He was afraid she wouldn't understand. She didn't even know about Amira for the first year."

"You could have told me."

"I know, Captain I'm sorry."

"You go home, and take care of her."

"I don't know how to do this. How am I supposed to heal a broken little girl who has lost both of her parents?"

"Heal the little girl who never knew her father, and had a drunk mother, first."

Olivia looks up at him, "You heal that little girl, and you will have no problem helping Amira get through this."

"Ok."

"Take as much time as you need," he adds.

"Ok," she nods, and turns to leave.

* * *

Amira follows her out of the precinct. The elevator ride is silent. The car ride is even quieter. Olivia is becoming increasingly concerned with each passing second. They arrive home, and enter the apartment. Olivia closes the door behind them. Amira stands frozen, looking at her.

"Mommy?"

Olivia looks down at the twelve year old with a broken heart.

"What Amira?"

"Promise me that you are never going to leave me. You're all I've got."

"Amira I am not going anywhere."

Amira steps forward she wraps her arms around Olivia. Olivia hugs her tightly, not wanting to let her little girl go, not sure how to fix her broken heart. After an hour she finally convinces Amira to go back to sleep. The twelve year old falls asleep on the couch. Olivia covers her up with a fleece blanket that is sitting on the back of the couch. Her phone rings. She moves towards the kitchen counter. She grabs it quickly so it doesn't wake Amira.

"Benson," she answers, as she takes the call into her room.

"Hey Olivia, it's Nick. I heard what happened. Is there anything that I can do for you?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"If there is you'll let me know?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, I'll talk to you later," he hangs up.

She tosses the phone on the bed. Suddenly she can't seem to remember if she turned the straightening iron off this morning, in her rush to leave. She heads into the bathroom, and closes the door behind her. She finds that the straightening iron rests on the counter, unplugged. As she stares at the bathroom counter she recalls what she was doing, before Amira interrupted her earlier that morning.

She pulls open the medicine cabinet, and retrieves an object from inside. She looks over at the bathroom door. She steps forward, and locks it. She takes a seat on edge of the bathtub.

In the other room Amira wakes up. She sound of the phone, and a door closing as brought her back to consciousness. She sits up, and looks around the room. She pushes the blanket off, and a sense of panic sets in.

"Mom?" she calls out.

Olivia is so consumed in her own thought that she doesn't hear Amira at first. Amira exits the living room, and heads into Olivia's room. She's not there. So she heads for the bathroom. She stops in front of the door.

"Mom?" she calls out.

Olivia looks up, at the door. Amira touches the door knob. She tries it, but it's locked. Olivia is brought back to reality.

"Amira I'm in here, I'll be out in a minute.""I didn't know where you were," she reveals.

Olivia feels her heart break, "Sweetie go back into the living room, I'll be out in a minute, I promise."

"Ok," Amira agrees, retreating to the living room. She situates herself on the couch, and flips on the T.V. the first thing that she sees is the news. Olivia can hear the T.V. from the other room. She takes a deep breath, and regains her composure. She looks over at the trashcan which is full of tissues, q-tips, and cotton balls. She ties off the bag, and leaves the room. She heads into the living room. She leans forward, and takes the remote from Amira, flipping off the T.V.

"Amira you don't need to watch that."

"Ok."

"I am going to run the trash downstairs, I'll be right back."

"Mommy, please don't go."

"Amira I'll be back in two minutes, I promise."


	16. Favor

She wakes up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat. She looks at the clock, and it takes her a moment to realize that this nightmare she's been living hasn't been a dream. She looks over, and finds that she's not in bed alone. Amira sleeps on the other side of the bed. It's been three days since she woke up to Hell. Today is the funeral, she reminds herself. She, and Brian's mother had both agreed to have him cremated. It was far too traumatic for Amira to have to see him. She hadn't allowed Amira to say goodbye at the hospital. Part of her knows it's what was best. The other part of her screams that she just robbed her child of something.

She lies there, staring at Amira, as she sleeps. She thinks of the past weeks, and how much of a whirlwind they have been. She didn't always agree with the things that Brian did, but she knew he was a good guy. And, for whatever reason she could never remember that at the right time. She hates the way things were left between them. She hates the last conversation she had with him was an argument. She turns onto her side, and closes her eyes, hoping to fall asleep.

It takes her over an hour to fall back asleep. An hour and fifteen minutes later she's awake again. The clock tells her that it's five a.m., so she crawls out of bed. She carefully tiptoes from the room, closing the door behind her. She wanders out of her room, down the hall, to Amira's room. She flips on the light, and heads over to the closet. She pulls the door open, and looks inside. She stares at the dress hanging up on the back of the closet door. The same dress Amira had worn to her recital weeks earlier. Olivia shakes her head. It isn't right for her to wear the same dress to Brian's funeral. In fact, she isn't entirely sure that Amira can handle being there.

She exhales, and takes a seat on Amira's bed. The bed is neatly make, and all of the pillows are in their places. She is thankful that Amira has always been so tidy, at least for the most part. She leaves the room, turning the light off on her way out. She returns to her bedroom, and grabs her phone. Against her better judgment she dials a familiar number. She expects to get voicemail.

"Amaro," he answers.

"Nick, I am sorry to be calling you so early..."

He cuts her off, "I was already up. I was getting ready to go for a run. What's up?"

"You know how you said I should call if..." she begins.

"What do you need?"

"I will understand if you don't want to, I just know she isn't going to let me out of her sight..." she begins to explain.

"Just tell me what you need."

"I was going to have Amira wear her recital dress to the funeral, but I just can't."

"What do you mean?"

"That was one of the last times we were all together. I don't want her to have to wear the same dress, and..."

"It's ok Liv. I get it."

"I need to find her something else to wear, but I don't think she'll go with me, and I know she won't let me leave her even if it's only for half an hour."

"I'll take care of it."

"Are you sure?"

"Olivia I have a daughter. I have bought many dresses. You seem to forget that my wife was deployed, and while my mother has always been helpful, she isn't always around. I can handle it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah it's not a problem."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Just tell me what size she wears."

"A twelve."

"Do you want her to wear a dress, or pants?"

"She won't wear dress pants," Olivia admits.

"Does she have tights to wear?" he questions.

"Yes."

"The funeral is at eleven thirty, right?"

"Yes," Olivia confirms.

"I'll grab a dress when the stores open, and be at your place by ten, ok?"

"Thank you. I really appreciate it."

"Liv how are you holding up?"

"I'll be fine. I am just worried about Amira."

"Yeah, well, I'm worried about my partner," he counters.

"Nick, I will be fine."

"I don't have any doubt that you will be. That wasn't my question. How are you doing now?"

"I..." she trails off.

"You don't have to put on a brave face for me," he tells her.

"I am sort of a wreck right now."

"That's ok. You're entitled to be a wreck. The father of your daughter was just brutally executed. And, even if you two didn't always see eye to eye you felt something for him. That has to be tough."

"You have no idea. I should let you go, so you can get your run."

"I'll see you later."

She hangs up the phone.

She is sitting in the living room, fixing Amira's hair, because the lighting is better, when Nick arrives. Amira sits on a chair from the kitchen table, in front of the window. Olivia goes to the door. She unlocks the door, and pulls it open. He is wearing a suit, and tie, as per usual. He hands her the dress.

"Thank you," she hands him some money.

"Liv don't worry about it."

"Nick, take it."

He shakes his head, "How many times have you bought my dinner? Too many to count. Keep it."

"You've bought mine too. Just take it."

"I don't want your money. You should finish getting ready. I don't want you to be late."

She nods, and heads back into the apartment. She takes the tag off the dress, and heads towards Amira. Amira is wearing a camisole, and a pair of tights. Olivia hands her the dress, and looks at her watch.

"Go get dressed," she insists.

"Mom what are you wearing?"

"My uniform."

"Why?" she questions.

"When a fellow cop dies you wear your uniform to the funeral as a sign of respect."

"Oh."


	17. Protected

They arrive to the graveside service a few minutes early. Brian's mother makes her way over to them. She stops next to Amira. She takes Amira's hand.

"Amira I think you should have this. It was off of one of your dad's old uniforms," she places the pin in Amira's hand.

Amira says nothing, she only looks at her mother. Olivia nods, "You should wear it, if you want."

Amira looks down at the pin in her hand. The name, _Cassidy_, is engraved in the center of it. She hands it to Olivia.

"Will you do it?" she questions.

Olivia nods. She pushes Amira's hair behind her shoulder. She carefully pins the name tag to her dress. Amira looks up at her grandmother, "Thank you."

By the time that Nick has arrived it is almost time for the service to start. As he enters the graveyard he sees his partner standing at the grave, wearing her uniform. The twelve year standing next to her never lets go of her hand. He knows from her body language that it's her first funeral. Olivia holds her cap next to her. As the minister approaches she carefully places the cap on her head. She doesn't once, even for a second let go of her daughter's hand. Nick stops next to her. She looks over at him, and says nothing.

By the time the funeral is over Amira is almost at her breaking point. Her face is stained with tears, as she stands by the grave. Nick approaches. Amira still refuses to leave her mother's side.

"Hi, Amira," he greets her.

She doesn't say anything.

"Amira they will be done in a few minutes, you want to take a walk with me? I know it's hard to stand still for such a long time."

She looks at him, in uncertainty. She turns to her mother but says nothing. Olivia brushes a piece of hair out of Amira's face. "You can go if you want."

"I bet you haven't had lunch yet, there is a diner nearby if you want to go with me."

Amira finally lets go of Olivia's hand. She follows him out of the cemetery down the street, around the corner, into a diner.

They sit at a table by the window. Amira looks at the menu in silence. The waitress comes to get their drink orders.

"What can I get the two of you to drink?"

"Coke, Pepsi, whichever you have is fine," Nick answers.

"Water," Amira says, meekly.

The waitress nods, and leaves the table. Nick looks over at the girl sitting across the table from him. He wonders how she can be so much like his partner, and not share an ounce of her DNA.

"Amira I know that this is a really rough time right now."

"Everyone keeps saying that they're sorry."

"I know."

"You know she wouldn't let me see him," Amira reveals.

"When?"

"At the hospital."

"Amira," he tries to reason.

"Mom wouldn't let me go back and see him."

"Amira he was shot. There was a lot of blood, and they did CPR. I have seen what that looks like, and trust me it isn't something you wanted to see."

She stares at the table with a forlorn look on her face. She doesn't make eye contact, "I didn't get to say goodbye."

"We don't always get to say goodbye," he explains.

"I wasn't nice to him the last time I saw him."

"What do you mean?"

* * *

_She walks ahead of him, towards the school. She stops when she reaches the crosswalk. He catches up to her. He places his hand on her shoulder._

_"Amira don't get so far ahead of me."_

_"Dad I'm twelve I'll be ok."_

_"Amira, please," he insists as they make their way across the cross walk._

_They reach the school, and she starts up the stairs. _

_"Whoa! Wait a minute," he insists._

_She turns around and gives him a dirty look, "What?"_

_"Where is my hug?"_

_She frowns, and gives him a hug. She turns to go._

_"Wait a minute. What is with the attitude?"_

_"I don't want you to be with my mom."_

_"That's what this is all about? Amira adults sometimes make choices that children don't get any say in."_

_"You're not good enough for her."_

_"Amira, why would you say that to me?"_

_"Because you're a jerk sometimes."_

_"Just because we argue sometimes doesn't mean that I don't love her."_

_"Maybe you should let her go."_

_"Amira that is a terrible thing to say."_

_"Bye daddy."_

_"Love you, Amira."_

_"Love you, too," she growls, as she trots up the stairs._

* * *

"Sometimes we say things that we don't mean. Amira I am sure that he knew you didn't mean what you said to hurt him."

"But I did, that is the problem. I know better, but I said it anyway."

"Why?"

"He was never around when we needed him to be."

"Everyone has flaws. You have too look for the good in people."

"How do you know?"

"My dad died when I was young too. It was hard for me, because I felt like I never really knew him as well as I should. I hated him for leaving me. I hated myself for feeling a moment of relief when I found out that he was gone. He was a complicated guy, and he was hard to get to know. I wish that things could have been differently. And, even though he was the adult I wish I hadn't been so stubborn. I wish I had made more of an effort."

"Everyone leaves me," Amira sniffles.

"Not everyone," he points out the window.

Amira looks up, and finds Olivia walking towards the diner in her uniform.

"I know."

"She's not going to leave you."

"I'm worried about her," Amira admits as she approaches.

"She'll be ok, she's resilient."

"She doesn't talk about things. She just shuts everyone out, even me."

"I think that she is trying to protect you."

"I don't want to be protected all the time. It makes things worse. I am twelve and this is the first time I have ever been to a funeral."


	18. Enough

He looks over at his partner. He can tell that she is preoccupied. She doesn't even notice him looking at her. They ride from a crime scene in the squad car, to the precinct. She even lets him drive. The police scanner offers white noise, but as long as they have been cops it offers just that. He breaks the silence.

"You know you could have taken more than three days bereavement. We both know that you have plenty of time."

"I didn't want to."

"What about your daughter? Don't you think she needed you to be home with her?"

"She went to school this morning."

"You made her go to school?"

Olivia shakes her head, "No when I woke up she was getting ready for school. I didn't even plan on coming to work this morning. I was going to keep her home for the rest of the day."

"She's worried about you, you know."

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't think that, I know it. She told me so."

"I am worried about her," Olivia admits.

"I think she's right," he points out.

"To be more worried about you, than herself."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because she'll talk about it. You won't. You don't talk about anything. You just shut everyone out, even your daughter."

"She isn't old enough," she begins.

He cuts her off, "She wants you to talk to her, so that she knows you're ok."

"She isn't an adult. She is a twelve year old child."

"I know that, but sometimes you have to lead by example."

"Nick, I'm fine."

"If you are so fine, then talk to me."

"There is nothing to talk about," she argues.

"Brian was just murdered. There is going to be a trial. There is going to be media attention. You have to think about all of that."

"That doesn't mean that I want to share my thoughts."

"Please. Olivia I can't have your back, if you won't let me."

"I can't go back. I can't take back all of the terrible things that I said to him. I can't take back the fact that I denied Amira the chance to see her father. She is never going to forgive me for that."

"She will."

"You don't know that."

"You should have let her see him."

"I know."

He shakes his head, "No, at the hospital."

"He was covered in blood. It would have been traumatic. I didn't want to put her through that. I was trying to protect her.

"Olivia she's a kid, but she's not a baby. Closure, saying goodbye, that is what was important to her."

"She is a little girl."

"She's not little anymore. Olivia she's twelve. She is growing up, whether you want her to, or not. She is going to be exposed to the realities of the world at some point, or another."

"But it doesn't have to be right now," Olivia argues.

"You're not raising her to be a child, you are raising her to be an adult," he reminds her.

"You would have allowed her to see him, if she was your daughter?"

"No."

"Then why are you telling me that I should have?"

"As parents we try to do what we think is best for our child. Sometimes we forget to ask them, because we are so busy trying to protect them. We can't protect them from everything. We can't keep them from feeling pain, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes we make mistakes, when all we want to do is what is best for them."

"How am I supposed to do this on my own? It was easy when she was a baby. I was her whole world. I was what her world revolved around. Now some days she doesn't like me. Some days she refuses to talk to me. She's almost a teenager, and it scares the shit out of me."

"You'll figure it out."

"How am I supposed to keep her from going down the wrong path, when I am never home?"

"Take some more time off."

"I can't take the next six years off to make sure that she makes it into adulthood without making the wrong choices."

"Did you do a good job of instilling morals, and values into her?"

"Yes."

"And you trust her?"

"Yes."

"Then you have to let her make her own choices."

"I don't worry about her. I worry about the rest of the world around her. I am afraid she will be led down the wrong path. I just don't want her to get hurt."

"Olivia you just have to keep pushing her in the right direction."

"Losing a parent is life changing. What if she starts hanging out with the wrong people, or doing the wrong things? What if I am not there to know?"

"You'll know. You're a good mom."

"Her mother died when she was born, and now Brian is dead too. What is she supposed to think?"

"She thinks everyone leaves her."

"I know," Olivia admits.

"So prove her wrong. You aren't going to leave her."

"Everything is changing, I don't know if she can handle it."

"You don't know if she can handle it, or you don't know if you can handle it?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

When she gets home Brian's mother leaves. Amira is in her room, with her headphones on, and the door open. Olivia stands in the doorway, watching her as she does homework. Without a word she enters the room. She takes a seat on the bed, next to Amira. She gently touches her hand.

"Take the headphones off for a minute," Olivia tells her.

Amira sits up, and takes the headphones off, "What?"


	19. Hardened Heart

"How was school?"

"Ok, I've got a lot of make-up work."

"Do you want help?"

"No, I'm ok."

"Amira I know that the past few days have been really tough. I also know that there are going to be a lot more tough days, for a while. I just want you to know that I am not going anywhere. I am always going to be here for you."

"I know that," she admits.

"And I love you, more than anything else."

"So tell me what's going on."

Olivia furrows her brow, "What do you mean?"

"What is going on with you?"

"Nothing."

"Something," Amira disagrees.

"I guess that I am just sad, too," Olivia admits.

"No, it's not that," Amira argues.

"Amira what are you talking about?

"You're keeping something from me," she confronts her.

"Amira I don't tell you everything."

"You are intentionally hiding something from me," she clarifies.

Olivia shakes her head, "What makes you think that?"

"The look on your face. The same look you always get when something isn't right. You always look like that when there is something that you don't want to tell me."

"We will talk about it later, I promise."

"When?"

"Later," Olivia answers.

"Ok," Amira lets her off the hook.

Olivia gets off the bed, "I am going to let you finish your homework. Did your grandma make you dinner?"

"Yes ma'am," Amira confirms.

Olivia leaves the room, and closes the door behind her. She heads into her own room, and closes the door behind her. She lowers herself to the floor, in front of the door. Her back leans against the wooden door. She draws her knees to her chest. She buries her face. She wonders how she can successfully try to hide things from most people, but Amira always sees right through her.

She doesn't try to fight off the tears. She just lets them come. She allows herself to be surrounded by sorrow, and guilt, temporarily. She wipes the tears away with the sleeve of her shirt. She wonders how she is going to make it through. She feels completely overwhelmed. The thought of doing all of this on her own scares her.

The thing she always wanted has turned out to be the scariest of them all, being a mother. Her heart aches for her broken hearted little girl. A child that biologically is not hers, but it doesn't matter. When she looks at the little girl's face she just sees her daughter. And behind those eyes she sees pain.

She exhales, realizing maybe that is why she jumped at the chance to be Amira's mother. Even as a baby Amira's life was complicated, just like Olivia's. Amira is like her in so many ways, that it scares her sometimes. She wonders if she has the strength to be able to guide her daughter through this storm. She questions if what she has to offer is enough. Could any of it be enough to make up for the fact that Amira's mother died after her birth, and she has no memories of her. Can she mend a broken heart caused by the loss of Amira's father?

She is consumed in thought when she hears someone tapping on the door. She knows that Amira is standing on the other side, with her ear pressed to the door. Olivia swallows hard, and wipes the tears from her eyes.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Are you ok in there?"

"I'm fine."

"Can I come in for a minute?"

"Amira finish your homework please," she begs.

"Mom just let me in," she implores.

Olivia doesn't respond immediately. She allows Amira's words to sink in. She realizes she what she is asking. At twelve she is wise beyond her years. She's not just asking her to let her in the room, but let her all the way into her heart. Instead of compartmentalizing everything, she has to let the walls fall, and deal with the chaos. Olivia scoots forward. She turns, and faces the door.

"Ok," she says in a meek voice.

Amira turns the knob, and pushes the door open. Olivia expects her to say something. She anticipates that she will push Olivia to tell her what's wrong. Instead, Amira takes a seat on the floor, next to Olivia. She says nothing. Olivia is no longer hugging her knees. She sits on the floor with her legs crossed. Amira lays her head in Olivia's lap. Olivia brushes her hair out of her face.

"You don't have to be strong all of the time. It's ok to cry," she tells her mother.

Olivia doesn't say anything. She bends forward, and plants a cheek on Amira's cheek.

"Amira you know that I am never going to leave you."

"You will, eventually, but not until you know I'm ready. I know that."

"I love you more than anything," Olivia says, with tears in her eyes.

"I have never doubted that."

"I just wish I could go back in time, and cherish every moment with you a little bit more."

"I'm right here," Amira reminds her.

Olivia looks down at her daughter. She simply watches her, as she lies there, in silence.

When she rolls over, in the middle of the night there is a body next to her in the bed, that wasn't there when she fell asleep. She glances at the alarm clock. It tells her that it will be time to get up in seven minutes. She sighs, in disbelief. Just once in her life she would like to sleep until the alarm actually went off.

She rolls away from the warm body in her bed, and towards the alarm clock. She crawls out of bed. She heads into the closet. She grabs clothes for the day. From the bathroom she makes her way into the bathroom, where she turns on the shower. She climbs inside, and the warm water hits her. She's in the middle of washing her hair, when she hears the screaming.

"Mommy! Mommy! Help me! Mommy!"

She rinses the soap out of her eyes, and flips off the shower. She wraps the towel around her, and throws open the bathroom door. She runs into the bedroom, towards the bed. She flips on the light, and finds Amira sitting in her bed, completely petrified.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

"No, mom it wasn't a bad dream."

"Sweetie what's wrong?"

"I saw someone outside of the window."

Without a second thought, or a single word Olivia grabs her gun, and lurches forward towards the window. She leaps to the window like animal protecting her young. She looks out the window, and sees nothing. She unlatches the window, and shoves it open. She looks down the fire escape, and up it to. She sees a figure climbing up the fire escape. She looks back at her daughter. Amira stares at her with a face that pleads, _don't leave me_. Olivia closes the window, making sure to lock it. She grabs her phone, and dials the local PD.


	20. Premature?

She hangs up the phone, at her desk, and shakes her head in disbelief. Her daughter is asleep, upstairs on the couch. It's late, and Olivia just wants to go to sleep. Her partner sits at the desk next to her.

"What did you find out?"

"The fingerprint that they found on my window sill belonged to one of the clerks that works at evidence lockup."

He furrows his brow, "What?"

"He was working the night that Brian was killed."

"I thought that they cleared him."

"They did, he was clocked out for lunch."

"They're thinking that it was an inside job?"

"Yeah," she nods in confirmation.

"Why would he try to break into your apartment?"

She shrugs, "I have no idea."

"Do you think Brian was in on it?"

"No, of course not."

"Olivia..."

"You can look into it, I am going to go check on Amira."

She pushes her chair out, and leaves the desk. She heads to the staircase. She climbs up the stairs, to the disorganized break area. She finds Amira lying on the couch, with the blanket over her. She squats down, next to her. She gives her a kiss on the cheek.

"I'm not asleep," she reveals.

"I know."

"Mom?"

"Hm?"

"Why is this happening to us?"

Olivia shakes her head, "I don't know."

"Did we do something wrong?"

Olivia brushes hair out of Amira's face, "No."

"I can't sleep."

"Amira you are safe here."

"If that guy can find us at home, he can find us here."

"Amira did you recognize the guy that you saw out the window?"

She thinks for a few seconds, before responding. She looks at her mother in confusion. "Maybe."

"You can tell me, Amira."

"But it doesn't make sense," she admits.

"That's ok. Sometimes things don't make sense."

"I think he used to play poker with daddy."

"Poker?"

"Dad hosted poker night every few weeks. They alternated who hosted."

"Amira are you sure?"

"Jimmy. I think his name was Jimmy. Why would he want to break into the apartment?"

"I don't know."

"Mom what is going on?"

Olivia shakes her head, "I don't know, but I am going to find out."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"Can I come downstairs with you?"

"No, you need to get some sleep. You have school in the morning."

"You are going to make me go to school?"

"Amira..." she tries to reason with the twelve year old.

"What if he finds me there? What if he is trying to hurt me?"

"Why would you think that?"

Amira shrugs, "I don't know. What am I supposed to think? My dad just got murdered. Are you sure that they caught all of the guys who were responsible?"

Olivia doesn't answer.

"So maybe he was trying to hurt me," Amira suggests.

"Why would he want to hurt you?"

"Because I know."

"Know what?"

"One time when you worked late dad took me to his poker game, with him."

"Ok."

"Jimmy was hosting. It was weird."

"Weird how?"

"It wasn't at his house. It was at a storage locker."

"Where?"

"In Queens."

"Amira what was in the storage locker?"

"Boxes. Lots of boxes."

"Anything else?"

"A boat."

"A boat? Like a paddle boat? A pontoon boat?"

Amira shakes her head, "No, a regular boat."

"What kind of boat?"

Amira shrugs, "I don't know, just a boat."

"What else can you remember about the boat?"

"It had a name."

"A name? Do you remember what the name was?"

"Brazilian Beauty."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Amira this is very important, do you remember what the storage facility was named?"

"Haye's twenty four hour storage."

"Good," Olivia rises, and turns to leave.

"Wait, mom."

Olivia looks at her, "I love you, good night."

Amira shakes her head, "No, that's not it."

"What is it Amira?"

"It was locker thirty six."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm certain."

"Amira try to get some rest. I am going to catch this guy, I promise."

"Ok."

Olivia heads down the stairs to her desk. Her partner is on the phone. She taps her foot impatiently, waiting for him to finish. He looks at her, when he hangs up.

"I just got off the phone with the bank, they are sending over Brian's financials."

"Great, my daughter just identified the man who tried to break into my apartment."

"Identified him? What do you mean?"

"By name. She has seen him before. She said his name was Jimmy."

"James Green?"

"We need to get Barba on the phone."

"I think that is a little premature."

"Not after what she just told me."


	21. Flash

She stares at the suspect, from the other side of the glass. Her partner stands next to her. He nudges her arm, gently.

"Olivia you don't have to do this."

She looks him in the eye, "Yes, I do. I owe it to my daughter."

"He may say things you don't want to hear."

"I'll get over it."

"He might lie, but he might be truthful, too. We can't discount what he says until we do our research."

"I know."

"Are you sure about this? We have to consider that Brian wasn't just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe he was part of this."

"I have already considered that."

"You're sure that you want to do this?"

"Without a doubt," she nods.

He pushes the door open, and she enters the room. He follows her inside. The door has barely closed, when there is a knock on the door. She hasn't even taken a seat yet. She turns around, and opens the door. Her captain opens the door.

"Benson," he motions for her with his index finger.

She exits the room, closing the door behind her. She folds her arms across her chest.

"We were just about to start our interrogation," she reveals.

"No, you're not."

"What do you mean?"

"You have a personal interest in this case. You are not going to interview this suspect."

"He came to my home. He was trying to get to my daughter."

"Olivia I understand that. That is exactly why you can't interview him. You were involved with the decedent. You can't be in that interview, you know that."

"Captain, please."

"No. Go home. Take care of your daughter. We will handle this."

"She isn't going to feel safe until he is behind bars."

"He will be soon enough."

"That isn't good enough. She is twelve years old. Someone tried to break into our home. She is completely terrified. Me explaining to her how the justice system works will not bring any sleep for her tonight."

"Maybe you should stay with a friend."

"I am not going to let him run me out of my own home."

"Olivia you are being stubborn."

"I am not going to teach my daughter to run from fear. I won't do it."

"If something happens, what are you teaching her then?"

"Cragen..."

"No, why don't you go stay with someone. Amanda maybe, or Fin?"

"I don't want to put anyone out."

"You can go stay at my place. I'm never there. You wouldn't be putting anyone out."

"No. I want to go home."

"Ok, but I am putting a protective detail on you."

"You can't."

"Why not? It would wound your pride?"

"If Brian was dirty you don't know how deep this goes."

"You're right, I don't. Take Fin with you."

"He doesn't have to sit in front of my door all night with a gun. That is unnecessary."

"I'll have Rollins relieve him later."

"Captain," she tries to reason with him.

"I don't want to hear it. Go home, and take Fin with you."

She sighs in frustration, as she heads back towards the squad room. She glances at Fin's desk. He is playing cards with Amira.

"Come on, you two, we're going home."

Fin looks up at her with a questioning glance. He furrows his brow. The captain walks by, nods, and motions for him to go. He grabs his gun and badge, and follows Olivia, and Amira out of the squad room. He heads to the elevators with them.

Hours later they are in Olivia's living room, playing cards at the coffee table, when someone knocks on the door. Without a word Fin gets up. He unholsters his weapon, and checks the peephole. He unlocks the door, and opens it towards him. Nick steps in.

"What's going on?"

"Can I talk to Olivia in the hallway?"

"Sure."

Olivia looks at her daughter, "I'll be right back."

She enters the hallway, closing the door behind herself.

"What's going on?"

"James Green is a fall guy."

"What?"

"That is what he is claiming."

"Is there anyway to prove it?"

"He told me that he, and Brian were trying to prevent the heist from happening. According to him the Captain of their unit has been skimming off the top for years. He is getting close to retirement, so he wanted one final take."

"How can we prove it."

"He said that Brian had a ledger of all the transactions."

"Where? Brian was not a book keeper. Have you ever seen his penmanship? Even if he did keep a record it would be completely illegible."

"He said that it was electronic. He had it saved somewhere."

"That is why he tried to break in? He was trying to find the flash drive?"

"Yeah, something liked that."

"I don't have it."

"You don't have any of his belongings?"

"No."

"You're sure, you don't have anything that belongs to him?"

"A t-shirt," she admits.

"That's it?"

"Yeah," she nods, "Unless you want his toothbrush."

"What about Amira, does she have any of his belongings?"

"I don't think so."

"Nothing?"

"Hold on a minute," Olivia turns and goes inside. She looks at Amira.

"Amira do you have anything that belongs to your dad?"

She shakes her head.

"Are you sure?"

"Just his name pin."

"Can you go get it for me?"

Amira reaches into the pocket of her pants she hands it to Olivia. Olivia examines it closely.

"It's broken anyway. The pin won't open."Olivia looks at the back of the name pin. She sees a tiny dot on the side, near the latch of the pen. She presses it. The very end of the pin comes of. She tips it down. A micro chip falls into the palm of her hand.


End file.
